slimiest:

a CEO walks into his office “any messages?” he asks his assistant
“two anons want to know who tom petty is and one just says ‘post your ballsack’”
“got it. check my dashboard”
“that skeleton gif you like is back again”
he rubs his chin pensively “mm. reblog that”

(via rabioheab)

asparagusplease:

SOPHIE- is this your friend jona?

Yes.

asparagusplease:

SOPHIE- is this your friend jona?

Yes.

sethmypet:

fauxhawks:

THEY ACTUALLY DID IT

THIS IS THE BEST OMFG

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

I am not offended by generalizations about white people or cis people.

fandomsandfeminism:

I’m not. If a PoC blogger gets fed up and types out a post about white people without clarifying that they meant “not all white people”, or a trans person posts about cis people without saying “not all cis people” I am not offended.

Do you want to know why?

Because in that situation, there is only one of three possible realities:

  1. I think about it and understand that I don’t do those things that the blogger is talking about, and the post isn’t about me really, so I move on.
  2. I think about it and realize that “oh shit” I DO sometimes do whatever it is they are talking about, and I fucking realize that I need to fix that behavior because holy hells I don’t want to be enforcing oppressive bullshit.
  3. It’s a joke at the expense of the oppressive majority. Seriously.

That’s it. Those are the only Three possibilities. The post either isn’t about me, or I’m getting called out on shit I need to fix, or it’s a joke (and not a joke at the expense of the marginalized but at the expense of the privileged). That’s it. Not something I’m going to fight about.

This is so important and if everyone on tumblr saw it I’d be so happy

(via rabioheab)

coffeeandcheesecake:

tuesdayaftern00n:

wow this is my life story in like 30 seconds

wait this is exactly me

(via keithkirbyofficial)

(via pizza)

echoesofoswin:

leonkuwatastonguepiercing:

mukuroikusabaka:

finish this sentence: m

y body craves for the touch of mashed potatoes, the soft white flesh of the vegetable sliding over my body. i havent slept in fifteen days. only the beautiful rapturous gooey white semi solid plant matter inspires me to continue living. sometimes i like to imagine that the mashed potatoes have accepted me as their loving partner. oh can i dream.

What the actual fuck

(via pizza)

dennys:

Floating through the abysmal cosmos, Capt. Fred Stewart longed for the safety of his ship, the warmth of his home, Earth, and the embrace of his loving family, whom he would never see again. Communications with the homebase had been permanently severed and his oxygen was steadily charging toward zero percent. But with his last ounces of strength he propelled himself toward the floating bag of freeze-dried Denny’s, sucking the last of his air, tiring his atrophying muscles. For Captain Fred Stewart had made one promise to himself: if he was going to die, he would go out while eating something delicious. 
And he did.

dennys:

Floating through the abysmal cosmos, Capt. Fred Stewart longed for the safety of his ship, the warmth of his home, Earth, and the embrace of his loving family, whom he would never see again. Communications with the homebase had been permanently severed and his oxygen was steadily charging toward zero percent. But with his last ounces of strength he propelled himself toward the floating bag of freeze-dried Denny’s, sucking the last of his air, tiring his atrophying muscles. For Captain Fred Stewart had made one promise to himself: if he was going to die, he would go out while eating something delicious. 

And he did.

You put yourself right between the killing thing’s teeth, but you don’t give it the power to—

(via cthulhu-with-a-fez)

tom-sykes-hair:

MY MOM MAKED HTE SPAGETI

tom-sykes-hair:

MY MOM MAKED HTE SPAGETI

(via thattrollwiththehorns)

johndensmorescervix:

sonic-duck:

johndensmorescervix:

if he knows u then hes a nerdo sry i dont make the rules :///

this is TRU jona madeline speaks the truth

soppy 

jonzo

:0

fuocogo:

sharkchunks:

fennecwolfox:

oeste:

misterhippity:

I tried a 2-D printer once, and the paper jammed.
So now I just painstakingly re-create my paper copies by hand, like a medieval monk.

i tried using paper, but the edges crumpled
so now i just chisel my commandments into stone, like old testament god

I tried using stone, but it cracked and broke.
Now I just scream everything at passersby, hoping they’ll remember what I said so I can ask them about it when I need it.

I tried shouting things at passersby but they ignored me.
Now I emit allohormones in a gypsobelum that bonds selectively with the recipient’s hemolymph to reconfigure their bursa copulax into a copulatory canal. I can only say one thing, “I want to mate with you,” but really, what else ever needs to be said?

i tried whatever that was and it worked just fine 10/10

fuocogo:

sharkchunks:

fennecwolfox:

oeste:

misterhippity:

I tried a 2-D printer once, and the paper jammed.

So now I just painstakingly re-create my paper copies by hand, like a medieval monk.

i tried using paper, but the edges crumpled

so now i just chisel my commandments into stone, like old testament god

I tried using stone, but it cracked and broke.

Now I just scream everything at passersby, hoping they’ll remember what I said so I can ask them about it when I need it.

I tried shouting things at passersby but they ignored me.

Now I emit allohormones in a gypsobelum that bonds selectively with the recipient’s hemolymph to reconfigure their bursa copulax into a copulatory canal. I can only say one thing, “I want to mate with you,” but really, what else ever needs to be said?

i tried whatever that was and it worked just fine 10/10

(via thattrollwiththehorns)

johndensmorescervix:

if he knows u then hes a nerdo sry i dont make the rules :///

this is TRU jona madeline speaks the truth

soppy 

anus:

awh there’s a ladybug on my screen

anus:

awh there’s a ladybug on my screen

(via pizza)